Lets Talk To These Boys.

ANNUAL FAMILY MEETING. (Clean Version)

- Today the women should sit on the bench. They have been flogged repeatedly for spreading legs and being gullible. Many more will still be flogged but today they should sit.

My dear Male Folk, (Remain Standing)
I have one question for you, what's up?

1. Team BetHerNaija:

You wake up in the morning and jump down from your bed,               ''Ahhh What a lovely day for Betting'', you tell yourself.

You meet up with your fellow Betass and begin to plot and scheme, Ms A is too easy, Ms B is too wicked, Ms C is too married,  Ms D is too perfect, let's use her.
What's up with the betting? Your gambling skills are highly efficient when it comes to selecting the freshest, smartest, most beautiful girl to woo and sleep with. Plates you can't wash, pampers you can't change, 'screw or pin?' You look at the shop keeper with your confused face ''bulb oga screw or pin bulb'', you laugh sheepishly and secretly thank your stars that the content of your dirty mind was not projected on the clouds for the world to see, as you pay for a 200watt red screw bulb. You will use it to light up your room. you know, set the mood. (dungeon style).  Your fellow men are hailing you,  you are the defending champion of the title  - His eminence in the cataclysmic destruction of women and sundry. Once you have your way you raise your shoulders and brag to your friends, the sacred order of BetHerNaija. 'I have did it' ( because surely excitement will make you speak bad English).

Life achievement level: processing.

2. Team Slumber:

You zombie yourself into the personal space of a lady who has been trying to mind her business and live her life without drama. She tries to hesitate but you shine your 64 ( because surely you cannot be human) and tell her its all good, you don't mean any harm. Everything moves smoothly from then on. Calls are rolling in, texts? always on time, TLC doctors prescription, the thing is just flowing. The lady gets comfortable, even tells you of her past relationship, 'Your ex is a fool!' You hiss as you purport in your heart to carry on the baton from him. All things being equal, you have sex with her ''chop and clean mouth'' your friend advised you as he rubbed his fingers over his thick lips to further buttress his point.  Next thing, the calls reduce, texts are no more interesting, your warm hugs and countenance mortuary standard. All of a sudden she is disturbing you, you have a life, at the mention of commitment, you wake up from your slumber.

Mind yourself.

3.Team Randy Uncle:

   You observe her in the church, she is fine and God fearing, she even bends down to give pastor water, wow! 'She must be the genesis of the resultant revelation that manifested wife materials' you think to yourself holding a big leather bible. Without much ado you rush in for the kill, you start to 'friend' the sister in a 'godly way'. One month two months, you are still preaching to her, making sure you sew her into the perfect Agbada before you wear her and go out. Next thing she is cooking for you, washing your clothes. She is tired but she cannot complain, you are her leader, a head in the church. In her mind she is in good hands, after multiple prayer sessions and bible study sessions and promises of marriage in your house she gets pregnant. Whether you had sex with her or not, we do not know, God knows.

Uncle take your time I am warning you.

4.Team Instapapi:

Timelines were bursting at the seams when your pre wedding, post wedding, pre baby, post baby, pre pampers and post natal pictures were uploaded.
  Everybody was telling you congrats, even your ex that blocked you when your friend that used to call her 'our wife' gave her your wedding card one week to your wedding, came around because your baby was cute and she decided to forgive you and just let bygone's be bygone's. But you did not learn. The first girl you saw in your area you gave her a lift. After all she is a Corper and corpers are helpless creatures that cannot find any other mode of locomotion.
You are going to point A and Corper is going to point Z, but as a good Samaritan you go the extra mile. You drop Corper at point Z raised to power two. (what is the extra mile without a little extra?) Its not a free ride, she pays with her phone digits. 'Thanks' she beams, 'call me instapapi' you wink at her and drive off. Oshey Tony  Montana you still have it in you.
Corper is happy, this compulsory inter state hopping has finally paid off. Who knew she would be taking a husband home.
You get home late, your new wife is furious, she tries to stop your son from crying as she points to your ring finger ''I removed it to eat EBA at calabar kitchen'', you yell as you storm into the room. She feels bad, ''sorry baby, I was just overwhelmed'', ''its fine just give me sugar'' you say as you pull her into your manipulative embrace, junior starts to cry, your son will not let the woman rest. You start to vex, your wife does not have your time, things are not the same any more, you lie down on  the bed like barbeque, you are about to think of your life but folly will not let you. Hard on overload you pick up your phone and scroll to whatsapp.

- Hi.
You wait patiently. Corper needs patience, your wife should go and collect her own from baby sitting and house keeping.

2mins later

- Hey Instapapi :)

You smile like fried plantain.

Watch yourself.

5. Team Papiflow:

Your job is to look at the aggrieved faces of young ladies. 'Are you okay? You seem tired', she eyes you from up to down 'I'm fine thanks' she spits out from a plastic smile, you don't get the hint. 'feisty!' You think, she reminds you of your wife when you were both young and vibrant. You try another pick up line to appear young at heart. Without considering that maybe, just maybe she has not sighed and walked out on you because ' grey hairs' must be respected. You keep trying, you don't mind how many times you get rejected, it fuels your drive, your blood is rushing like it used to in '84. You stuff your card into her hand  and walk back to your Chevrolet Avalanche, you zoom off and from time to time you look at your phone, you want her to call, the rest is gist on Nigerian blogs.

Please Sir, respect yourself.

Before I close this meeting I will like to provide a canopy called 1% for any male that would like to exclude himself from this 'generalisation'. Kindly squeeze yourself under the canopy.

#PlantsMicInTheGroundSoMicCanGrowIntoATree.

Listen to my audio diary on this same subject and many other topics at...  browngirlmemoirs