Blue balls, Pride trips and Inner Peace

Friday , January 1st. 3:00am

‘…lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil…’

She sat up whispering the words, impulsively repeating them in the dark. There was no point checking the time, she knew it was three. The time when the witches gathered, the time when demons preyed, the time when Sandra prayed for God to seal, sanctify and endorse her new year resolutions to stay celibate, drink less alcohol and most importantly, stay away from Justin. Her bad habits from last year that she had reluctantly dropped at the foot of the cross, at least she hoped she had. It was one of those nights, sleep had abandoned her for no reason. Accepting her fate, her hands  began to roam around the bed swiftly, impatiently feeling the sheets, tossing the pillow to the left, then to the right finally the pillow fell on the floor, She got off the bed and pulled the duvet down, flapping her faded pink bed sheets, she found the stupid phone tucked away under the bed sheet, she reached for it, the phone was hot. “darn it! I left my data on again” she quickly turned it off. Once she settled back in bed, she picked up the phone and turned the data back on, no one was online except Justin

“This guy is a troll I swear”.

Who was she kidding? he was everything but a troll, average height, dark chocolate skin, cool demeanor, nothing too flashy about his looks, and his smell, that earthy mixture of cologne and fine man could make a lady rain for..

her phone vibrated snapping her back to reality.

*Happy New year dear, you up?

She looked at the whatsapp message but in a bid to ignore it she pressed the chat window, the message receipt turned blue ‘‘Jeez! How did this thing happen naw?’’ she quickly closed the chat as if it changed the fact that Justin now knew she was deliberately ignoring him, but the plan was ruined, she wasn’t meant to open the message, ”well in cases like this, the ‘ I don’t care card’ must suffice’, she tells herself  as she clicks on the facebook app instead and waits patiently for it to load. As she scrolls through, she likes Juliet’s pre wedding pictures and reacts to Kwames post on how nobody is talking about MMM again with a ‘haha’ sticker.  She scrolls further down to watch a video that claimed a woman had a baby with a goat head in UNTH Enugu, ”stupid blogs and their click bait!” her phone vibrates again.

*lolz Sandra, why wouldn’t you reply?

She reads the message, the weight of her blunder rests heavily on her chest like 100kg. “Which life now?” She could imagine the smug look on Justin’s face, the humble pride that he wore so comfortably, the way he acted like he wanted her and then kept her at arms reach, she knew he was aware of how he made her feel, he was smart, maybe too smart and she was sick and tired of being sick and tired of him.

*Hi Justin, what are you doing up so late?

She went back to what she was doing on facebook as if chatting with him passively made his charming blows any less painful. She took pride in those first few moments where he was the one who started the conversation, where she ignored his message as if she was busy and not the least bit desperate to talk to him. Those moments where she was superior as she always had been, before she met him that is.

*Im just browsing and listening to music, wbu?

It took her two seconds to figure out that WBU means What About You?.

* Well nothing much i’m just there,

She switched back to facebook, scrolled through the home page, stumbled on a ‘slayqueens’ wall, stalked her for a while and went back to whatsapp to see if Justin had replied. He hadn’t, he hadn’t even read the message yet! But who does that? Who starts a conversation in the middle of the night with a lady who was just minding her business! Only to stop half way through the conv….. her phone vibrated. She was going to ignore this message for sure! She opened Whatsapp and the words in his reply melted her heart like blue band on a hot plate.

*I wish you were here with me tonight ;).

He used the ‘wink’ smiley, which indicated that he was being naughty, but not passionate, intimate with no deep connection, I want you, but I can do without you. Such mixed signals, she hated them but there was nothing she could do, it was like she kept up with this game, to see if she could hurt him too, to see if she could make him feel the way she felt, to see if he could change, to see who would give up, who would give in, to see who would win. She wanted to date and possibly marry him, but she also didn’t want to be wanted halfway. It was so demeaning, so belittling, it affected her self-esteem.

*”Why do you wish that?’’

she typed with a raised eyebrow, trying not to come off as needy. She felt safe letting him do all the talking, she wanted him to say the words in her head, maybe if he said them often he would start to believe them and mean them and she would rise above the clutches of this stu…… her phone vibrated.

*Because I want to hold you tight and make sweet love to you.

What nonsense! The temerity! To say such lovely words that he did not even mean. Something in her knew that this guy was not capable of doing the things he said, he wasn’t capable of being that deep and passionate and loving at least not to her, she knew that he wasn’t able to handle the commitment that came with such deep words and yet he said them, For what reason? To excite her? To turn her on? To prove a point? She was enraged at how pathetic the situation was, and yet she could feel herself getting wet, she bit one corner of her lip. The fact that he wanted her at all made her feel sexy, more angry!!! But sexy. it was his guts that made her want him even more. The same guts that strengthened her new year resolve.

*Really?  she replied,

she chose the smiley with the blushing cheeks, she didn’t want him to read her reply wrongly. Keeping him at bay but still letting him in. Maybe he needed assurance, a little more proof to make him want to commit. After all they both had chemistry and stuff. So why was he hanging around at the outskirts of her impatient heart?

*Yes really, don’t you want me?

She noticed how he avoided using some words like ‘too’. Why wouldn’t Justin ask ‘don’t you want me too?’ was he trying to exonerate himself from the emotions he was effortlessly fanning into flame? She wanted to confront him, to tell him to stop all the childish games and come out plain. She wanted him to take a stand and stop acting so mean sweet mean. She thought of the weakness he brought on her every time they were together. The way she said ‘no’ when he wanted to touch her and ‘yes’ when their pants were down.

The New year new Sandra was bent on saying ‘no’ from now on, not just with her mouth, but with her body as well and there was nothing her wet vagina could do about it.

*ummm Justin, i’m feeling sleepy now.

The read receipt showed blue but the reply did not come till 5mins later. but why? What took him so long? Was he sexting another person? Why was he like this? So qui….

Her phone vibrated.

*lolz so you’re leaving me high and dry right? OK dear, good night.

She shook her head at how disconnected she felt from his so called needs and wants. A warm sensation filled her chest and climbed up her throat. She was nervous and she knew why, winning the battle only meant the war was yet to come but one night of resisting Justin’s voodoo was worthy of being a tedious, teary eyed, heartfelt testimony in church. She smiled to herself and pulled down the settings bar to off her data. Her phone vibrated just as she turned it off, and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile..

New Message Sent  8:15am, Saturday.

*Sender : Justin

*Message Body: ” Hey, want to come over to my place and chill? ;)”

*Message Status: Unread